Gone.. Again
It's been two days since I got home and learnt that I was short of one brother. I still remember that day like yesterday. The events of that day keep playing on and on in my mind. I was in school when I got the call from my dad reminding me to pack up my bags as I was supposed to come back that Friday. I had been being lazy about it so that like a wake up call for me.
They tone of his voice was vague when he mentioned that I Ifeanyi was in a difficult situation and needed my prayers. It was at that moment that I had an inkling that something was wrong. My usual positive self I said a quick prayer and went back to pressing my phone.
It was at the time that I was with my phone that I got Facebook message on Messenger from my dad containing a link with a picture that had a quote which said "I trust that everything happens for a reason even if we are not wise enough to see it." Something in me snapped and I could not bear the uncertainty so I decided to call my mom. I didn't have airtime on my phone so I used a friend's phone to call her.
When I called I asked about everyone and I got the usual answer that everyone was okay. I wasn't satisfied so I asked specifically about Ifeanyi, if his adenoid had been operated on and removed and that was when I started getting the vague answers. The vagueness was becoming unbearable so I asked her to give the phone to him so that we could talk. She quickly responded that he was sleeping. I decided to believe at that moment after all I was going home soon. The call ended hurriedly and it was at that moment I began to feel gloomy. My mom was keeping something from me and it was likely bad. The friend I took her phone to call to make the call asked me what was wrong and I explained what had transpired. She calmed me and told me to be positive. I could not 't sit around thinking and moping so I got up and started packing my bags. I had a lot of things to take back home as I was going for my 6 months Internship.
Halfway through my packing, I got a whatsapp message from my dad saying he was coming to get as soon as possible since he wasn't going to be free the next day, that was on Friday. I had to finish up my packing in less than two hours. Long story short I was through by the time they arrived and I was soon on my way home.
The moment I stepped into the house, something didn't feel right. My grandma was around, my cousin who stayed in the flat below was cooking and my mom was in her room looking rather dull. Another cousin of mine was also staying over which didn't make sense especially since she is married. Food was made for me while I was walking about the house looking for Ifeanyi. Soon enough I was called to eat. I asked about my siblings eventually when I could not find any of them around. I got a response reminding me that that day was a school day. It made sense in Kachi's case but not for Ifeanyi's case since I had spoken to my mom earlier and she said he was sleeping. Seeing that I wasn't going to get answers at that moment, I went to eat pretending I believed them. I finished eating and was about going to have my bath when I was called to the sitting room by my dad.
By the time I got there everyone was sitting. The gloom hung in the air and I knew what was about to be said but I wasn't about to believe it yet. So I sat down and prepared myself to hear what he had to say. He broke the news to me that Ifeanyi was dead. While he was talking, I was trying to process the information he was passing across. Ifeanyi had died about 3 weeks ago just about the time my first semester exams had started. He could not 't make it after the surgery. I was in shock. Tears began rolling down my face while my dad was still talking. I cried silently, I could not wail as my mom was beside me trying not to cry. I could only imagine the pain she must have felt those weeks I never knew what was going on. I couldn't start wailing and make her start crying all over again when she was trying to comfort me. She was being strong for me.
I cried silently thinking of how I had lost two brothers in less 3 years. First of all, Tochukwu, then Ifeanyi. The tears kept flowing while my mom was consoling me. I learnt how they had been monitoring my online activities and friends so that I wouldn't find out about it while I was writing my exams. My mom then explained how she told my dad to get me after our conversation that afternoon as she didn't know what to do if I called again knowing I wouldn't let it rest until I had spoken to him.
So all the time I was writing my exams, my brother was already dead. The quick prayer I had said that morning was a waste. The tears continued to roll down as they are while I am writing this. My lips were quivering with no words coming out of them. I could not 't even look at my mom because I could only imagine how hard it is for her yet she was pulling herself together. I could see it in the way she was hitting her legs together. At that point, I remembered what my dad had said about me crying saying it was okay to cry but it should try my best to bear and keep living for my mom, himself and Kachi my only brother now. I remembered that and I started to wipe my tears.
The tears were not flowing because I wasn't going to see my brother around again, it was only temporary. I had hope. I believed in the resurrection that would occur in God's Kingdom. I believed I would see him in paradise. However I was crying because I had lost a companion. He wasn't just my brother he was a companion and the one I talked with and became close to after Tochukwu died. Now he was gone too. It was a lot to bear.
Remember the friend I used her phone to call my mom earlier, her name is Tope. She called to check if I had gotten home. We usually called to check if each of us got home safely. I had in the sequence of events forgotten to tell her I had gotten home. She asked after everyone then asked about Ifeanyi. I didn't want to let her know yet because I was still coming to terms with the truth. She was persistent and I told her that he was no more. Before we ended the call, her voice had lost its cheerful tone and she seemed to be on the brink of tears. It was hard not to cry while still talking to her.
The day finally came to an end. I went to sleep with a heavy heart hoping that when I fell asleep and woke up the next day it would be a bad dream or a very mean prank.
When I woke up it felt no different. This was my reality. I moved around with a forlorn look, moping and sleeping like that would bring him back to life. I was numb and still in denial. During the day, I received a call from a friend who was around when Tope called me yesterday. She called to give her condolences. It was beginning to sink in that this was real but I kept fighting it remaining in denial.
Today I received a call from my uncle which woke me up. He tried to encourage me, telling me to be positive and that I should try to live well for myself, my parents and my brother. Everyone keeps telling me that. I have the will to live on well not just for myself and my immediate family but also for the sake of my brothers who are dead so that if by some stroke of fate, they didn't die of natural causes, whoever was responsible would see that that I have not been broken.
It took me two years to start getting used to the fact that Tochukwu was dead and I have to add this to it as well. I wonder when I'd come to terms with this new evil. Sometimes I still hope someone would pinch me and I'd wake up to realize that it is all a dream. I am trying to accept it and move on. I am not without hope and that helps in a way. I hope to see them in paradise during the grand resurrection. Sooner or later it will be crystal clear that it is not a dream and later on I will be able to look back and say I didn't allow it break me. I pray God grants me the strength and will power to continue. May He help me do just that.
They tone of his voice was vague when he mentioned that I Ifeanyi was in a difficult situation and needed my prayers. It was at that moment that I had an inkling that something was wrong. My usual positive self I said a quick prayer and went back to pressing my phone.
It was at the time that I was with my phone that I got Facebook message on Messenger from my dad containing a link with a picture that had a quote which said "I trust that everything happens for a reason even if we are not wise enough to see it." Something in me snapped and I could not bear the uncertainty so I decided to call my mom. I didn't have airtime on my phone so I used a friend's phone to call her.
When I called I asked about everyone and I got the usual answer that everyone was okay. I wasn't satisfied so I asked specifically about Ifeanyi, if his adenoid had been operated on and removed and that was when I started getting the vague answers. The vagueness was becoming unbearable so I asked her to give the phone to him so that we could talk. She quickly responded that he was sleeping. I decided to believe at that moment after all I was going home soon. The call ended hurriedly and it was at that moment I began to feel gloomy. My mom was keeping something from me and it was likely bad. The friend I took her phone to call to make the call asked me what was wrong and I explained what had transpired. She calmed me and told me to be positive. I could not 't sit around thinking and moping so I got up and started packing my bags. I had a lot of things to take back home as I was going for my 6 months Internship.
Halfway through my packing, I got a whatsapp message from my dad saying he was coming to get as soon as possible since he wasn't going to be free the next day, that was on Friday. I had to finish up my packing in less than two hours. Long story short I was through by the time they arrived and I was soon on my way home.
The moment I stepped into the house, something didn't feel right. My grandma was around, my cousin who stayed in the flat below was cooking and my mom was in her room looking rather dull. Another cousin of mine was also staying over which didn't make sense especially since she is married. Food was made for me while I was walking about the house looking for Ifeanyi. Soon enough I was called to eat. I asked about my siblings eventually when I could not find any of them around. I got a response reminding me that that day was a school day. It made sense in Kachi's case but not for Ifeanyi's case since I had spoken to my mom earlier and she said he was sleeping. Seeing that I wasn't going to get answers at that moment, I went to eat pretending I believed them. I finished eating and was about going to have my bath when I was called to the sitting room by my dad.
By the time I got there everyone was sitting. The gloom hung in the air and I knew what was about to be said but I wasn't about to believe it yet. So I sat down and prepared myself to hear what he had to say. He broke the news to me that Ifeanyi was dead. While he was talking, I was trying to process the information he was passing across. Ifeanyi had died about 3 weeks ago just about the time my first semester exams had started. He could not 't make it after the surgery. I was in shock. Tears began rolling down my face while my dad was still talking. I cried silently, I could not wail as my mom was beside me trying not to cry. I could only imagine the pain she must have felt those weeks I never knew what was going on. I couldn't start wailing and make her start crying all over again when she was trying to comfort me. She was being strong for me.
I cried silently thinking of how I had lost two brothers in less 3 years. First of all, Tochukwu, then Ifeanyi. The tears kept flowing while my mom was consoling me. I learnt how they had been monitoring my online activities and friends so that I wouldn't find out about it while I was writing my exams. My mom then explained how she told my dad to get me after our conversation that afternoon as she didn't know what to do if I called again knowing I wouldn't let it rest until I had spoken to him.
So all the time I was writing my exams, my brother was already dead. The quick prayer I had said that morning was a waste. The tears continued to roll down as they are while I am writing this. My lips were quivering with no words coming out of them. I could not 't even look at my mom because I could only imagine how hard it is for her yet she was pulling herself together. I could see it in the way she was hitting her legs together. At that point, I remembered what my dad had said about me crying saying it was okay to cry but it should try my best to bear and keep living for my mom, himself and Kachi my only brother now. I remembered that and I started to wipe my tears.
The tears were not flowing because I wasn't going to see my brother around again, it was only temporary. I had hope. I believed in the resurrection that would occur in God's Kingdom. I believed I would see him in paradise. However I was crying because I had lost a companion. He wasn't just my brother he was a companion and the one I talked with and became close to after Tochukwu died. Now he was gone too. It was a lot to bear.
Remember the friend I used her phone to call my mom earlier, her name is Tope. She called to check if I had gotten home. We usually called to check if each of us got home safely. I had in the sequence of events forgotten to tell her I had gotten home. She asked after everyone then asked about Ifeanyi. I didn't want to let her know yet because I was still coming to terms with the truth. She was persistent and I told her that he was no more. Before we ended the call, her voice had lost its cheerful tone and she seemed to be on the brink of tears. It was hard not to cry while still talking to her.
The day finally came to an end. I went to sleep with a heavy heart hoping that when I fell asleep and woke up the next day it would be a bad dream or a very mean prank.
When I woke up it felt no different. This was my reality. I moved around with a forlorn look, moping and sleeping like that would bring him back to life. I was numb and still in denial. During the day, I received a call from a friend who was around when Tope called me yesterday. She called to give her condolences. It was beginning to sink in that this was real but I kept fighting it remaining in denial.
Today I received a call from my uncle which woke me up. He tried to encourage me, telling me to be positive and that I should try to live well for myself, my parents and my brother. Everyone keeps telling me that. I have the will to live on well not just for myself and my immediate family but also for the sake of my brothers who are dead so that if by some stroke of fate, they didn't die of natural causes, whoever was responsible would see that that I have not been broken.
It took me two years to start getting used to the fact that Tochukwu was dead and I have to add this to it as well. I wonder when I'd come to terms with this new evil. Sometimes I still hope someone would pinch me and I'd wake up to realize that it is all a dream. I am trying to accept it and move on. I am not without hope and that helps in a way. I hope to see them in paradise during the grand resurrection. Sooner or later it will be crystal clear that it is not a dream and later on I will be able to look back and say I didn't allow it break me. I pray God grants me the strength and will power to continue. May He help me do just that.
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